Yeah, really smart.........

After having been unemployed for the last few months I feared that my brain had turned to mush. Well, I am employed again. While I drove my high school-age son to school before my first day at the new job, I mentioned to him that I would have to work on "rebooting" my brain back into "thinking, smart, employed person mode" again. We both laughed. That night I pulled into my driveway while still thinking about my not feeling as "sharp" as I'd like to feel.. Just at that moment......as I got out of my car and hit the "lock" button on my car door and slammed it shut........I realized ........in slow motion....before I could stop the car door from slamming shut..........that I had just locked my purse containing both sets of my car keys and my new office keys into my car......off to a great start......yeah, really smart.......open latte...........

To Pray or not to pray.......

Since I am still looking for a job, I spend the majority of each day filling out on-line job applications. You'd think that, by now, I'd be a professional application filler-outer......Nope.

Once in a while these on-line job applications come with a "test" that you have to take. These little tests are "timed." This is not a big problem for me since I can type really, really fast. I often have time to edit my answers.

So, picture this....it's morning, I'm in my pajamas sipping hot coffee casually filling out on-line job applications. I clicked on a job that interested me and one of those timed exams popped up on my screen. Yawn....the smart side of me suggested that I take the exam later in the day........but, the side of me that always wins these head-case tug of wars told me to get it over with. I muddled through the hour long exam and reached the final question. The final question went something like this: "if the top selling store in your district had a major drop in profits for the last quarter, what are some of the things that you would do to get the numbers back up?" I wrote down a list of practical and creative ideas until I hit a total blank......a random strike of brain fog......so, I started to giggle and typed in "pray"...... just as I was going to hit the backspace button a few times to delete the silly entry......another little window popped up with a new message: "FINISHED" as in, you are SO out of time ! Oh, no, I couldn't erase the last answer ! Sigh.....well, I can only hope that either a very spiritual person is doing the hiring for this position......or, someone with a really good sense of humor ! Open Latte.......

Pretending to listen.....busted !

Entranced in the ritual preparation of taking a soothing bubble bath, happily dumping containers of bubble bath, fragrant oils and all kinds of girly stuff into the froth, my husband walked into the bedroom. He was telling me about his day (he's a tennis pro.....so,it's usually tennis, tennis, tennis.......that evening he was telling me something about an important national tennis tournament that he was playing in). Unfortunately for him, I wasn't really listening. No, I focused on how much hot water I was putting into the bathtub.....too many times in the past I'd accidentally let the hot water run lukewarm, which totally ruins the chance of a successful bubble bath. Yet, trying to be a wonderful and attentive wife, I pretended to pay attention to what my husband was saying and asked my him a few questions about his tennis match........half listening I heard him say something about playing Doubles with Phil....and something about Singles. To continue my charade I responded, "oh, that's nice, you'll be playing Doubles with Phil, yeah, he's super.......and you'll be playing Singles by yourself, yeah, that's a good plan, that should work." As I dipped my toes into the perfectly prepared bubble bath elixir and settled my bottom into the tub, he walked into the bathroom...... he was grinning....."Oh, he said, "do you really think I have much of a chance playing singles by myself ?" Still on blonde auto pilot I answered, "yes, you're a really good singles player, you should be fine by yourself.......". Sinking down to my chin in bubbles, my brain thawed out and the wheels began to turn.......giggling ...and coughing up bubbles.....I realized what I'd just said......I was busted for not listening. "Singles.......yeah, ya generally don't need a partner for S-I-N-G-L-E-S, that's why they call it singles ! Open Latte.

And that's why God made travel mugs.......

Yawn....it was morning, time to drive my high school son to school.

Before I go on with my story, you need to know that I need coffee in the morning.......I want that cup of coffee. "Helpful" family members and friends often suggest that I would be healthier if I cut coffee out of my diet.....and drink herb tea.....HA ! You know what, it would be healthier for THEM to stop suggesting this.

Months ago when I used to work (not working is a recent gig for me) I always put my morning cup of life into a cute pink and green polka dotted travel mug. But, recently, since I know that I am not really going anywhere, I put it into a regular, rather boring coffee cup.

So, there we are in the car.....me with coffee cup in hand.....no longer complaining about the stay-at-home moms taking too long in the carpool line....when......my son mentions to me that one of his contact lenses is uncomfortable....so, now that I am "Super stay- at -home-unemployed mom," and am able to meet my families needs before they finish their request...... I perch my coffee cup on the dashboard and reach into my enormous purse and hand him my eye drops.....just then......I needed to pull up in the carpool line....my toe tapped the gas peddle....OOOOOPS.....the coffee cup is no longer perched on the dashboard but is flying, slow motion, like The MATRIX version of slow motion...through the air then drenching my son. Did I mention that we were also running late for school.....yes, of course, this would be the day to forget that God made travel mugs for a good reason ! Open Latte !

Make-over for Snakes

I like to walk over a certain walking bridge over the Chattahoochee River....there is an area there where turtles crawl up branches sticking out of the river to get some sun....for reptiles, I have to admit, they are kinda cute. That made me think about snakes.....nothing cute about snakes.....kinda unfair......what would it take to make snakes cute ? EYELASHES ! Yes, snakes just need an ez fashion makeover......I just need to find a movie star, like Paris Hilton or Lyndsay Lohan, to adopt the cause..... We could call it "Snakes are People, too." Imagine little zoologists dressed in khaki's and pithe helmets crawling around the woods and jungles of the world glueing fake eyelashes on to all the world's snakes...... But, you know what, since that would be too huge an undertaking, what would be do-able is for everyone who walks around in the jungle or woods to wear a pair of glasses that already has a pair of eyelashes painted on it....so that when you look at a snake (hey, it would work a bear, too) you'd just tilt your head at the right angle to get the eyelashes over the eyes of the snake or fierce, unattractive and unfashionable creature.....eh, voila, ez fashion make-over causing huge warm fuzzies for everyone involved.

I was actually just sitting at the kitchen table a few minutes ago telling one of my sons about my "Paris Hilton-esque idea" but we changed subjects to his upcoming four day hike. I asked him if he had bought a snake bite kit as I had asked him to do.....he said "NO, the camping store was out of them".....so, I said, "well, we'll go to another store and buy one....cause you have to have one before you go on that hike"....... you know what he said..........."don't worry mom, if I see a snake, I'll just put a pair of eyelashes on it.........OPEN LATTE !

I fell off my shoes.......very impressive.

I used to be a Regional Manager for a large company. Once a year we were flown to the company headquarters for a weekend of meetings, etc. My boss called me on the phone prior to one of these meetings and suggested that I find ways to "rise above the crowd". Well, what do you say to that except, "Ok". So, during the meetings I tried to chime in with timely and wise commentary and practical solutions to problems. I tried not to talk too much though , because in keeping a bit silent, one can actually appear more wise than one really is. This is EXTREMELY difficult for me because I love to talk and coffee clatch and be "real" with people......and I already had more responsibility than all of these other managers at the meeting...and everyone already knew it. Nonetheless, I tried my best to be impressive. Well, it just so happened that all of the managers at this meeting were female...and, shock.......during a break we all ended up in the shoe department of Nordstroms.

I am actually pretty tall to begin with......I do not believe that there is such a thing as "too tall" (plus I like to tower over other women.....yup......it's probably a subliminal power thing".) So, of course I adore high heels........in fact, even my "flip flops" used to be on high wedges.

As we shopped in a group, our conversation was artificial and cautious. If someone tried on a pair of shoes everyone gushed how wonderful they looked........AUGH ! Yuk ! So, I wandered away from the gaggle and tried on a pair of very high, wedged flip flops. To show them off I sached over to the group to model them (and to probably make them feel short and stubby)........and that's when it happened, just as I called out to them, I turned my ankle on a piece of Nordstroms carpet and wiped out onto the floor, spread eagle....laughing hysterically ......... Yeah, I am sure that's just what my boss had in mind..........
Open Latte.........hehe

Captain Literal Rides Again (yeah, that would be me)

My brother recently helped me update my resume. In addition to making it look vastly more professional, he added an "outside interests" section to my resume. He listed my outside interests as: I hate to cook, raised smart kids, etc. How clever ! He adding personality and flair to my dull resume. So for a few weeks I sent out this new amusing resume. Then, for some reason, I began to second guess the hobby section. Was I supposed to know that he was kidding when he put those in......was I supposed to know to replace them with traditional and innocuous hobbies like golf and swimming ? So, to be sure, I sent him an email and asked him about it.

His response was basically, 'of course you were supposed to know to replace those hobbies with traditional ones !'

OMG ! I knew it ! Ahhhhhh ! So, I quickly pulled up my resume and fixed it and emailed him as such.

Later that day he emailed me again..........this time to tell me that he was just kidding when he told me to replace the clever hobbies with boring ones.............he assumed I'd know he was joking because clever hobbies, are, indeed, clever ! Making me look, perhaps, CLEVER, too.

(Can't you just see him falling out of his chair laughing........he has me driving in circles like a car with a remote control.)

.............so, I just RE RE updated my resume. Back in again are the hobbies: hates to cook, raised smart kids, etc. I am out of gas......depleted.....exhausted..........at a loss.........

You know what, I need to put out a memo to all my friends and family to remind them that:

I am literal
I will believe whatever they tell me
I cannot "read between lines"....... unless I see actual lines on a piece of paper
I rarely assume anyone is joking unless they preface what they say with "I am joking"

(pretend that you hear the sound of galloping horse.......Captain Literal (me) rides again...........)

To understand why this blog is named "OPEN LATTE"...

To "get" why my blog is called "Open Latte", you will need to scroll down to the very first posting.....read the last posting and then the next to last posting, etc., until you get back to this first page.......then it will all make sense.......

Giving my husband teasing ammunition to use against me later...

While I don't have a job, I do have a lot of purses. To keep them organized in our closet, my husband rigged up a chain with toggle clips and hung it from the ceiling.
I love seeing all my treasures hanging neatly in a vertical row. However, there is one problem. I can't reach them all.....grrrr....... !

I had a stroke of genius.......I asked my husband, "would you go to the store and buy me a little folding stool so that I can reach all of my purses?" For some reason he looked really BUGGED ! As his eyes rolled around his head in utter disbelief, I heard him mutter something like, "you mean a stool like the one that I showed you last week and told you to buy since you can't reach the top shelves in our closet"? "YES", I said quite innocently and sighed "that would be perrrfect". He quipped back, "why the heck didn't you just buy it when I suggested it!" "Well", I said, as I reached over and punched him in the shoulder, "why'd ya listen to me ?" "If you thought that I needed it, you should have just bought it anyway !" "You know you shouldn't listen to ME !" He just shook his head and said while laughing, "OPEN LATTE" (yeah, he knows all about my "Open Latte's") (whisper....I hope he doesn't procrastinate because......I want it now !)

Bye bye lullabye.........

Trying to be a wonderful mommy, I used to curl up in the big, comfy rocking chair in the nursery and sing my baby to sleep. I didn't know if this actually helped my baby go to sleep any faster, but it seemed like the "wonderful mommy" thing to do. By the time boo boo baby was old enough to reach out and grab things, the little darling would reach up and put his little hand over my mouth as I sang him to sleep. This happened again and again. In fact, this happened with all my babies. I had three. At the time I thought they were innocently reaching up to touch wonderful mommy's melodious mouth ....... but, now that they are each gifted musicians ..... I look back and realize that they were probably trying to get me to stop singing !

So, you new mommies out there, you might want to consider buying some lullabye music to play for your boo boo babies' rocking chair time ....... I'm just sayin'...........

Smoke detector or Mom detector ?

Riddle: Back when I had a job, how did my kids know when I had come home from work ?

Answer: Their first hint was the smoke detector's ear- piercing siren ....... this generally signaled that I was in the kitchen, home, cooking dinner !

Riddle: How do my kids know when I am home now-a-days ?

Answer: Aw....that's not fair....they know I am home because the bathrooms don't look like they belong at a gas station.....I have lots of time to clean now....and cook....cough....cough.....

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.......

Today I am not posting one of my "Open Latte's"....... this instead is one of my son's......

My son says that while he was at work that this guy kept on talking to him about the NFL and asking him questions about football. My son wondered, "why is this guy babbling on and on about football and asking me so many football questions ? Then my son, who is obviously my son, went to the men's room. As he entered he happened to glance at himself in the mirror over the sink ...... oops ....... he had on an NFL football jersey ! OPEN LATTE, dude ! :)

I don't usually like bumperstickers.........

I drove my son to the airport a few days ago and we got stuck in a traffic jam. We have a lot of traffic jams in this city, so to pass the time I read bumper stickers and personalized license plates. I glanced up at the car in front of us and started laughing.........I told my son "hey, check out the bumper sticker on the car in front of us ...... it's hilarious ....... I can't believe it, it says ........"Masochists for Obama"....... "Masochists for Obama ..... can you believe it? That is SO funny....where can I buy one of those .....hahahaha. My son calmly looked over, read it, smiled and said, "Mom .... look closer"...... I re-read the bumper sticker .... disappointed .... it actually said "Machinists for Obama"..... Open Latte .......

Candid Candid Camera

Do you remember the T.V. show from the sixties called "Candid Camera"? It was a show that caught people off guard in funny situations with a hidden camera. It was 1978 and my husband and I invited our Church bible study to our house to watch cable T.V. We were the first couple around to have to have cable T.V. access. I looked through the T.V. guide to see what we should all watch. When I saw Candid, Candid Camera I figured it was a "typo". The scene we watched was about a sky-scraper window washer......apparently a NAKED sky-scrapper window washer (early cable T.V. wasn't censored). At the first sight of a nude body on my T.V. in front of my "church friends" I literally leaped, and belly flopped across the coffee table in time to change the channel. So I guess it wasn't a typo after all. It really was "Candid, Candid Camera". Welcome to early cable T.V.


Open Latte~

Can you be over qualified and under qualified for the same job?

On Monday I had an interview with the president of a small company. As he read my resume and chatted with me, he marveled at how over qualified I was for the position. I thought the interview went well, because he told me that he wanted me to talk with the C.F.O.

On Tuesday I had the interview with the C.F.O. of the company. As she read my resume and chatted with me she mentioned that I was under qualified for the position. I thought my opportunity for the position was over. However, at the end of the interview she said she would call me by the end of the week. Well........today is Saturday so, I guess I am officially over qualified and under qualified for the same job. I think they deserve an Open Latte for this one. :)

Can't a condiment be an entree ?

I was eating lunch at Moes yesterday (Moes is a fresh mex fast food restaurant). I noticed a new condiment at the self serve condiment area. It's corn salsa. I initially put some of the corn style salsa into the tiny cup provided. Then, I dumped it on top of my nachos. YUM ! YUM !So, I got up and dumped tons and tons of this corn salsa on top of my nacho's......I completely buried the nachos with corn salsa. By the time I woofed down the thick, thick layer of corn salsa, I realized that I had a HUGE stomach ache.........I was doubled over with stomach cramps ....... what was my first hint that condiments aren't meant to be entrees ..... .maybe the tiny cup condiment cup provided .... ya think ? Open Latte.

......for a million dollars ?

As I sat in my car at a red traffic light.....my mind wandered.....what if someone paid me a million dollars to work again for a certain horrid boss, would I ? I weighed it back and forth in my mind.......thinking about what I could do for my family with a million dollars.....but, I have principles and I would never want to work for that person again.....what to do.....what to do. I was actually experiencing feelings of true agitation.... seriously disturbingly torn and rattled. Then the traffic light turned green.........back to reality......deliverance.....phew.......no one is offering me a million dollars to do any such thing.................. "open latte ".

Where is Jesus?

I was thinking about my early childhood experiences....when, I realized what my first "open latte" was:

I was about 4 years old and I was in a church.......this was my very first time in any church. I walked down the sanctuary's long aisle and settled into a long, wooden, pew with my very glamorous and chic Aunt Josey. For some reason she brought me to her friend's wedding (she babysat me a lot). Well, someone must have told me that "church" is Jesus' house because no sooner had I sat down in the church pew, I stood right up......looked around......and said at the top of my voice, "WHERE IS JESUS !" My Aunt, totally embarrassed, tried to get me to sit down and be quiet. I kept asking this question, loudly, and with determined expectation many times during the ceremony.............kinda cute :) .....but, a perfect example of an "open latte"........

Debbie Pizza

I am on a diet....so, naturally, I think about food all the time. So, there I am, walking through the market thinking, "Look at all this delicious food.....SO MUCH FOOD.......I want to eat...I am hungry...... I am tired of tuna fish and celery!" Just then, it caught my eye ! "Debbie Pizza"........it like a message from above.....saying "this is for you....you can eat this !" Then, I did a double take...... it read "Double Pizza"....... so sad .........OPEN LATTE !

Open the Car Trunk

My husband and I walked out of the market carrying groceries in the pouring rain (ok, I carried the car keys and my husband had all the groceries). Well, I hate getting rained on so I ran ahead to open the car door ..... As I clicked the remote keychain to unlock all the car doors I heard my husband call out......"hey, it would be nice if you'd open the trunk for me"........to which I replied, "I did" (well, I mean, I clicked the key remote to technically unlock the trunk door.....guess he meant to actually, physically move and lift said trunk door upwards.....as in "actually open it".........) he got into the car drenched .......he was a bit cranky............OOPS ................ Open Latte.......

Song Lyrics

I was listening to an Oldies station in my car .... an old Paul McCartney and Wings song started to play (I think this song was a 007 theme song). The lyrics were "when you were young and your life was an open book, you used to say live and let live..you know you did, you know you did, you know you did"....... then later in the song comes the well known refrain....."live and let die". So for years, I never connected the first part of the song....that you're young and you're tolerant.... ie: "live and let live") to the second part of the song about getting older, and having lived through more...you say "LIVE AND LET DIE." So, ok, the songwriter here has a definite opinion......young and tolerant........old and dangerously cranky. I have heard this song a zillion times.....and finally, I just now got it...."Open Latte".

....This makes me wonder what else I have heard again and again....and still haven't gotten yet........I am thinking about those wedding vows.......did the reverend say that I am supposed to "obey" or use "Oil of Olay"?

Hair Disaster

I just moved to Atlanta and I knew that my big Jersey girl hair "do", wouldn't do. Looking for advice, I asked the only person that I had met in the town (she was a successful business woman) for a salon recommendation . She recommended a chic salon .... somewhere very upscale. When I got to the salon the hairstylist asked me how much hair he could cut off ..... I told him to cut off all the "unhealthy" hair (because I knew that my hair had been over processed by the Jersey girl salon). His scissors flew around my head, hair flew off and next thing I knew I had about 4 inches of hair left. When I next saw my "friend" I noticed that I had the same haircut that she had......extremely short.....hmmmmmmm Open Latte.

Lavatory vs Labratory

It was my very, very first day of school. I imagined that school would be a magical and exciting place. As my kindergarten teacher handed me the big wooden pass with the tiny chain looped through it, she whispered that it was my turn to go to the lavatory. Wow ..... so many new things to see in school. School was sooo great. I was going to get to see a lavatory.....and on my very first day. Wow ! So, imagine my disappointment when I walked into the lavatory expecting to see a laboratory equipped with cool test tubes, bubbling beakers and some mad scientist equipment ... but saw, instead,
a BATHROOM ! Open Latte ..........

Once upon a time.........

Once upon a time most people in America had jobs. In fact, once upon a time I had a job, too.

Now I'm stuck at my husbands computer with a cup of instant coffee and pajamas blogging at 6 a.m.

He's still in Florida.........

My husband calls me at home from a tennis tournament in St.Louis. He tells me that his opponent is running late for his 2pm match. I ask why? My husband says....."well, he's still in Florida....haha.....guess he's going to be late"....... I take the bait and say without a thought........ "Wow, you're going to have to wait a really long time!"...silence on the phone line. Then I realize, "Oh, you were being sarcastic.........he's not coming........like not coming at all.......... 'cause you're in St. Louis.............and he's still in Florida".

Open Latte..........

The saddest thing I ever saw.....

I went to the funeral of an acquaintance's teenage son. I was able to keep it together until the mom broke down.....not able to leave the grave site......couldn't leave her son alone in the ground. As I left the funeral I couldn't help think how I could now go on with my life and experience nice thoughts and generally have a nice day........her life would never be the same.......I don't know if she'll ever experience another truly happy moment......I don't know her well enough to know that. It seemed to me somehow that the world should stop out of respect for her loss.....but, it didn't. We were able to move on.........it was the saddest thing I have ever seen........I pray for her alot. No open latte today.

Mrs. Magoo ?

Do you remember the Mr. Magoo cartoon from the 1960's ? He was a funny character wearing thick eye glasses who laughingly bumped into things continually misidentifying most of the objects that he bumped into. Oh, no, it hit me me .... I am a blond Mr. Magoo ..... Mrs. Magoo to you .... because, while I don't literally bump into things, I do have a propensity to "see" what I want to see ..... not what's really "there". Uh, oh, that could explain the bathing suit that I bought last week .......... oh, no.......

Game Face

Years ago I used to play tennis.......one Sunday morning I wore my tennis outfit to church to save time......I had a match later that morning. I sat in the back of the church to avoid drawing attention to myself. But, as I was leaving church a man (probably a fellow tennis player) noticing my obvious tennis outfit.......asked me if I had my "game face" on ........... Well, I never wore makeup when I played tennis.......too messy........so, I replied to him, "well, no, I don't wear any makeup when I play tennis"........he cracked up.........then I realized that it had nothing to do with makeup........open latte.

"Change"

I had a job at a local healthclub located in a wealthy suburb.......it was my turn to close the cash register......as I was counting the coins in the register a fellow employee asked me to come over to one of the tables where he was having a heated conversation with a member.....they were interested in my opinion ........

Employee: "this member disagrees with me"....... "I think that the members around here don't like change.....what do you think"......

Me: "Wow......really?.....they don't like change"? "Must be nice to be so rich"......

Employee and member: What ?

Me: "Change......change.........must be nice to only value paper currency......... !"

Employee and member (howling with laughter): We mean that they don't like THINGS in life to change !" "Things like the aerobic schedule "!

..........Open Latte..........

Open Latte.....the beginning.......

As I look back at life I see a pattern emerge.......a funny pattern that I didn't notice until this happened.......

I was driving down the street.......dying for a latte.......thinking about a latte.......I had to have a latte........then.....as I drove past an Arby's I noticed it's sign that read "Open Latte"...... hooray......I'd get a latte.....drove up to the drive in window.....asked for a......by the way, what is an "open latte".......I haven't heard of that flavor......the guy in the Arby's window looked at me and smiled.....then without anyone speaking........I realized what had just happened.......I looked up again at the sign......it really said.....OPEN LATE........ You know what, sometimes you just see what you want to see...............