Make-over for Snakes

I like to walk over a certain walking bridge over the Chattahoochee River....there is an area there where turtles crawl up branches sticking out of the river to get some sun....for reptiles, I have to admit, they are kinda cute. That made me think about snakes.....nothing cute about snakes.....kinda unfair......what would it take to make snakes cute ? EYELASHES ! Yes, snakes just need an ez fashion makeover......I just need to find a movie star, like Paris Hilton or Lyndsay Lohan, to adopt the cause..... We could call it "Snakes are People, too." Imagine little zoologists dressed in khaki's and pithe helmets crawling around the woods and jungles of the world glueing fake eyelashes on to all the world's snakes...... But, you know what, since that would be too huge an undertaking, what would be do-able is for everyone who walks around in the jungle or woods to wear a pair of glasses that already has a pair of eyelashes painted on it....so that when you look at a snake (hey, it would work a bear, too) you'd just tilt your head at the right angle to get the eyelashes over the eyes of the snake or fierce, unattractive and unfashionable creature.....eh, voila, ez fashion make-over causing huge warm fuzzies for everyone involved.

I was actually just sitting at the kitchen table a few minutes ago telling one of my sons about my "Paris Hilton-esque idea" but we changed subjects to his upcoming four day hike. I asked him if he had bought a snake bite kit as I had asked him to do.....he said "NO, the camping store was out of them".....so, I said, "well, we'll go to another store and buy one....cause you have to have one before you go on that hike"....... you know what he said..........."don't worry mom, if I see a snake, I'll just put a pair of eyelashes on it.........OPEN LATTE !

I fell off my shoes.......very impressive.

I used to be a Regional Manager for a large company. Once a year we were flown to the company headquarters for a weekend of meetings, etc. My boss called me on the phone prior to one of these meetings and suggested that I find ways to "rise above the crowd". Well, what do you say to that except, "Ok". So, during the meetings I tried to chime in with timely and wise commentary and practical solutions to problems. I tried not to talk too much though , because in keeping a bit silent, one can actually appear more wise than one really is. This is EXTREMELY difficult for me because I love to talk and coffee clatch and be "real" with people......and I already had more responsibility than all of these other managers at the meeting...and everyone already knew it. Nonetheless, I tried my best to be impressive. Well, it just so happened that all of the managers at this meeting were female...and, shock.......during a break we all ended up in the shoe department of Nordstroms.

I am actually pretty tall to begin with......I do not believe that there is such a thing as "too tall" (plus I like to tower over other women.....yup......it's probably a subliminal power thing".) So, of course I adore high heels........in fact, even my "flip flops" used to be on high wedges.

As we shopped in a group, our conversation was artificial and cautious. If someone tried on a pair of shoes everyone gushed how wonderful they looked........AUGH ! Yuk ! So, I wandered away from the gaggle and tried on a pair of very high, wedged flip flops. To show them off I sached over to the group to model them (and to probably make them feel short and stubby)........and that's when it happened, just as I called out to them, I turned my ankle on a piece of Nordstroms carpet and wiped out onto the floor, spread eagle....laughing hysterically ......... Yeah, I am sure that's just what my boss had in mind..........
Open Latte.........hehe

Captain Literal Rides Again (yeah, that would be me)

My brother recently helped me update my resume. In addition to making it look vastly more professional, he added an "outside interests" section to my resume. He listed my outside interests as: I hate to cook, raised smart kids, etc. How clever ! He adding personality and flair to my dull resume. So for a few weeks I sent out this new amusing resume. Then, for some reason, I began to second guess the hobby section. Was I supposed to know that he was kidding when he put those in......was I supposed to know to replace them with traditional and innocuous hobbies like golf and swimming ? So, to be sure, I sent him an email and asked him about it.

His response was basically, 'of course you were supposed to know to replace those hobbies with traditional ones !'

OMG ! I knew it ! Ahhhhhh ! So, I quickly pulled up my resume and fixed it and emailed him as such.

Later that day he emailed me again..........this time to tell me that he was just kidding when he told me to replace the clever hobbies with boring ones.............he assumed I'd know he was joking because clever hobbies, are, indeed, clever ! Making me look, perhaps, CLEVER, too.

(Can't you just see him falling out of his chair laughing........he has me driving in circles like a car with a remote control.)

.............so, I just RE RE updated my resume. Back in again are the hobbies: hates to cook, raised smart kids, etc. I am out of gas......depleted.....exhausted..........at a loss.........

You know what, I need to put out a memo to all my friends and family to remind them that:

I am literal
I will believe whatever they tell me
I cannot "read between lines"....... unless I see actual lines on a piece of paper
I rarely assume anyone is joking unless they preface what they say with "I am joking"

(pretend that you hear the sound of galloping horse.......Captain Literal (me) rides again...........)

To understand why this blog is named "OPEN LATTE"...

To "get" why my blog is called "Open Latte", you will need to scroll down to the very first posting.....read the last posting and then the next to last posting, etc., until you get back to this first page.......then it will all make sense.......

Giving my husband teasing ammunition to use against me later...

While I don't have a job, I do have a lot of purses. To keep them organized in our closet, my husband rigged up a chain with toggle clips and hung it from the ceiling.
I love seeing all my treasures hanging neatly in a vertical row. However, there is one problem. I can't reach them all.....grrrr....... !

I had a stroke of genius.......I asked my husband, "would you go to the store and buy me a little folding stool so that I can reach all of my purses?" For some reason he looked really BUGGED ! As his eyes rolled around his head in utter disbelief, I heard him mutter something like, "you mean a stool like the one that I showed you last week and told you to buy since you can't reach the top shelves in our closet"? "YES", I said quite innocently and sighed "that would be perrrfect". He quipped back, "why the heck didn't you just buy it when I suggested it!" "Well", I said, as I reached over and punched him in the shoulder, "why'd ya listen to me ?" "If you thought that I needed it, you should have just bought it anyway !" "You know you shouldn't listen to ME !" He just shook his head and said while laughing, "OPEN LATTE" (yeah, he knows all about my "Open Latte's") (whisper....I hope he doesn't procrastinate because......I want it now !)

Bye bye lullabye.........

Trying to be a wonderful mommy, I used to curl up in the big, comfy rocking chair in the nursery and sing my baby to sleep. I didn't know if this actually helped my baby go to sleep any faster, but it seemed like the "wonderful mommy" thing to do. By the time boo boo baby was old enough to reach out and grab things, the little darling would reach up and put his little hand over my mouth as I sang him to sleep. This happened again and again. In fact, this happened with all my babies. I had three. At the time I thought they were innocently reaching up to touch wonderful mommy's melodious mouth ....... but, now that they are each gifted musicians ..... I look back and realize that they were probably trying to get me to stop singing !

So, you new mommies out there, you might want to consider buying some lullabye music to play for your boo boo babies' rocking chair time ....... I'm just sayin'...........

Smoke detector or Mom detector ?

Riddle: Back when I had a job, how did my kids know when I had come home from work ?

Answer: Their first hint was the smoke detector's ear- piercing siren ....... this generally signaled that I was in the kitchen, home, cooking dinner !

Riddle: How do my kids know when I am home now-a-days ?

Answer: Aw....that's not fair....they know I am home because the bathrooms don't look like they belong at a gas station.....I have lots of time to clean now....and cook....cough....cough.....

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.......

Today I am not posting one of my "Open Latte's"....... this instead is one of my son's......

My son says that while he was at work that this guy kept on talking to him about the NFL and asking him questions about football. My son wondered, "why is this guy babbling on and on about football and asking me so many football questions ? Then my son, who is obviously my son, went to the men's room. As he entered he happened to glance at himself in the mirror over the sink ...... oops ....... he had on an NFL football jersey ! OPEN LATTE, dude ! :)

I don't usually like bumperstickers.........

I drove my son to the airport a few days ago and we got stuck in a traffic jam. We have a lot of traffic jams in this city, so to pass the time I read bumper stickers and personalized license plates. I glanced up at the car in front of us and started laughing.........I told my son "hey, check out the bumper sticker on the car in front of us ...... it's hilarious ....... I can't believe it, it says ........"Masochists for Obama"....... "Masochists for Obama ..... can you believe it? That is SO funny....where can I buy one of those .....hahahaha. My son calmly looked over, read it, smiled and said, "Mom .... look closer"...... I re-read the bumper sticker .... disappointed .... it actually said "Machinists for Obama"..... Open Latte .......