To Pray or not to pray.......

Since I am still looking for a job, I spend the majority of each day filling out on-line job applications. You'd think that, by now, I'd be a professional application filler-outer......Nope.

Once in a while these on-line job applications come with a "test" that you have to take. These little tests are "timed." This is not a big problem for me since I can type really, really fast. I often have time to edit my answers.

So, picture this....it's morning, I'm in my pajamas sipping hot coffee casually filling out on-line job applications. I clicked on a job that interested me and one of those timed exams popped up on my screen. Yawn....the smart side of me suggested that I take the exam later in the day........but, the side of me that always wins these head-case tug of wars told me to get it over with. I muddled through the hour long exam and reached the final question. The final question went something like this: "if the top selling store in your district had a major drop in profits for the last quarter, what are some of the things that you would do to get the numbers back up?" I wrote down a list of practical and creative ideas until I hit a total blank......a random strike of brain fog......so, I started to giggle and typed in "pray"...... just as I was going to hit the backspace button a few times to delete the silly entry......another little window popped up with a new message: "FINISHED" as in, you are SO out of time ! Oh, no, I couldn't erase the last answer ! Sigh.....well, I can only hope that either a very spiritual person is doing the hiring for this position......or, someone with a really good sense of humor ! Open Latte.......

Pretending to listen.....busted !

Entranced in the ritual preparation of taking a soothing bubble bath, happily dumping containers of bubble bath, fragrant oils and all kinds of girly stuff into the froth, my husband walked into the bedroom. He was telling me about his day (he's a tennis pro.....so,it's usually tennis, tennis, tennis.......that evening he was telling me something about an important national tennis tournament that he was playing in). Unfortunately for him, I wasn't really listening. No, I focused on how much hot water I was putting into the bathtub.....too many times in the past I'd accidentally let the hot water run lukewarm, which totally ruins the chance of a successful bubble bath. Yet, trying to be a wonderful and attentive wife, I pretended to pay attention to what my husband was saying and asked my him a few questions about his tennis match........half listening I heard him say something about playing Doubles with Phil....and something about Singles. To continue my charade I responded, "oh, that's nice, you'll be playing Doubles with Phil, yeah, he's super.......and you'll be playing Singles by yourself, yeah, that's a good plan, that should work." As I dipped my toes into the perfectly prepared bubble bath elixir and settled my bottom into the tub, he walked into the bathroom...... he was grinning....."Oh, he said, "do you really think I have much of a chance playing singles by myself ?" Still on blonde auto pilot I answered, "yes, you're a really good singles player, you should be fine by yourself.......". Sinking down to my chin in bubbles, my brain thawed out and the wheels began to turn.......giggling ...and coughing up bubbles.....I realized what I'd just said......I was busted for not listening. "Singles.......yeah, ya generally don't need a partner for S-I-N-G-L-E-S, that's why they call it singles ! Open Latte.

And that's why God made travel mugs.......

Yawn....it was morning, time to drive my high school son to school.

Before I go on with my story, you need to know that I need coffee in the morning.......I want that cup of coffee. "Helpful" family members and friends often suggest that I would be healthier if I cut coffee out of my diet.....and drink herb tea.....HA ! You know what, it would be healthier for THEM to stop suggesting this.

Months ago when I used to work (not working is a recent gig for me) I always put my morning cup of life into a cute pink and green polka dotted travel mug. But, recently, since I know that I am not really going anywhere, I put it into a regular, rather boring coffee cup.

So, there we are in the car.....me with coffee cup in hand.....no longer complaining about the stay-at-home moms taking too long in the carpool line....when......my son mentions to me that one of his contact lenses is uncomfortable....so, now that I am "Super stay- at -home-unemployed mom," and am able to meet my families needs before they finish their request...... I perch my coffee cup on the dashboard and reach into my enormous purse and hand him my eye drops.....just then......I needed to pull up in the carpool line....my toe tapped the gas peddle....OOOOOPS.....the coffee cup is no longer perched on the dashboard but is flying, slow motion, like The MATRIX version of slow motion...through the air then drenching my son. Did I mention that we were also running late for school.....yes, of course, this would be the day to forget that God made travel mugs for a good reason ! Open Latte !

Make-over for Snakes

I like to walk over a certain walking bridge over the Chattahoochee River....there is an area there where turtles crawl up branches sticking out of the river to get some sun....for reptiles, I have to admit, they are kinda cute. That made me think about snakes.....nothing cute about snakes.....kinda unfair......what would it take to make snakes cute ? EYELASHES ! Yes, snakes just need an ez fashion makeover......I just need to find a movie star, like Paris Hilton or Lyndsay Lohan, to adopt the cause..... We could call it "Snakes are People, too." Imagine little zoologists dressed in khaki's and pithe helmets crawling around the woods and jungles of the world glueing fake eyelashes on to all the world's snakes...... But, you know what, since that would be too huge an undertaking, what would be do-able is for everyone who walks around in the jungle or woods to wear a pair of glasses that already has a pair of eyelashes painted on it....so that when you look at a snake (hey, it would work a bear, too) you'd just tilt your head at the right angle to get the eyelashes over the eyes of the snake or fierce, unattractive and unfashionable creature.....eh, voila, ez fashion make-over causing huge warm fuzzies for everyone involved.

I was actually just sitting at the kitchen table a few minutes ago telling one of my sons about my "Paris Hilton-esque idea" but we changed subjects to his upcoming four day hike. I asked him if he had bought a snake bite kit as I had asked him to do.....he said "NO, the camping store was out of them".....so, I said, "well, we'll go to another store and buy one....cause you have to have one before you go on that hike"....... you know what he said..........."don't worry mom, if I see a snake, I'll just put a pair of eyelashes on it.........OPEN LATTE !

I fell off my shoes.......very impressive.

I used to be a Regional Manager for a large company. Once a year we were flown to the company headquarters for a weekend of meetings, etc. My boss called me on the phone prior to one of these meetings and suggested that I find ways to "rise above the crowd". Well, what do you say to that except, "Ok". So, during the meetings I tried to chime in with timely and wise commentary and practical solutions to problems. I tried not to talk too much though , because in keeping a bit silent, one can actually appear more wise than one really is. This is EXTREMELY difficult for me because I love to talk and coffee clatch and be "real" with people......and I already had more responsibility than all of these other managers at the meeting...and everyone already knew it. Nonetheless, I tried my best to be impressive. Well, it just so happened that all of the managers at this meeting were female...and, shock.......during a break we all ended up in the shoe department of Nordstroms.

I am actually pretty tall to begin with......I do not believe that there is such a thing as "too tall" (plus I like to tower over other women.....yup......it's probably a subliminal power thing".) So, of course I adore high heels........in fact, even my "flip flops" used to be on high wedges.

As we shopped in a group, our conversation was artificial and cautious. If someone tried on a pair of shoes everyone gushed how wonderful they looked........AUGH ! Yuk ! So, I wandered away from the gaggle and tried on a pair of very high, wedged flip flops. To show them off I sached over to the group to model them (and to probably make them feel short and stubby)........and that's when it happened, just as I called out to them, I turned my ankle on a piece of Nordstroms carpet and wiped out onto the floor, spread eagle....laughing hysterically ......... Yeah, I am sure that's just what my boss had in mind..........
Open Latte.........hehe

Captain Literal Rides Again (yeah, that would be me)

My brother recently helped me update my resume. In addition to making it look vastly more professional, he added an "outside interests" section to my resume. He listed my outside interests as: I hate to cook, raised smart kids, etc. How clever ! He adding personality and flair to my dull resume. So for a few weeks I sent out this new amusing resume. Then, for some reason, I began to second guess the hobby section. Was I supposed to know that he was kidding when he put those in......was I supposed to know to replace them with traditional and innocuous hobbies like golf and swimming ? So, to be sure, I sent him an email and asked him about it.

His response was basically, 'of course you were supposed to know to replace those hobbies with traditional ones !'

OMG ! I knew it ! Ahhhhhh ! So, I quickly pulled up my resume and fixed it and emailed him as such.

Later that day he emailed me again..........this time to tell me that he was just kidding when he told me to replace the clever hobbies with boring ones.............he assumed I'd know he was joking because clever hobbies, are, indeed, clever ! Making me look, perhaps, CLEVER, too.

(Can't you just see him falling out of his chair laughing........he has me driving in circles like a car with a remote control.)

.............so, I just RE RE updated my resume. Back in again are the hobbies: hates to cook, raised smart kids, etc. I am out of gas......depleted.....exhausted..........at a loss.........

You know what, I need to put out a memo to all my friends and family to remind them that:

I am literal
I will believe whatever they tell me
I cannot "read between lines"....... unless I see actual lines on a piece of paper
I rarely assume anyone is joking unless they preface what they say with "I am joking"

(pretend that you hear the sound of galloping horse.......Captain Literal (me) rides again...........)

To understand why this blog is named "OPEN LATTE"...

To "get" why my blog is called "Open Latte", you will need to scroll down to the very first posting.....read the last posting and then the next to last posting, etc., until you get back to this first page.......then it will all make sense.......